Monday, April 17, 2017

At The Age..

Been through a lot of struggle here and there to make it something for sure happen, beat my anxiety, negative thinking, be myself more harder, and wishing more of to be death inside so i would let some thought pass me by.. but it still slip and let it though... Many things happen in years, what so i become now are far more different when i was younger.. i realize many things which i blind myself with my expectation.

When i was in University years~, i made some bucket list stage i need to obtained when i broken up with my ex Mr A .. which i thought i dint like him...but he managed through and got my heart, maybe here is the best place i should recite the things that never said... you know what..the reason behind i broke up our relationship it was because my childhood best friend (the crush) come to me. it my fault i things.. this things wont happen if i dont send the letter to him, so he wont find me...which at the time he come..my relationship with my ex..are 6month ahead which the heart are still flattering...toward him (ex).. but i was such a fool back then..., i feel tired and exhausted of all sort of naging.. thinking im too young,thinking it might to be earlier to have someone hold onto your heart... i cant see the future im with him...which i become uncertain. the best friend is just shaken me for awhile...but i realised i made a big mistake when i said to him i want a break. im so bluntly said without thinking... you know what i dint choose to be my crush or AKA childhood best friend as my boyfriend. i try to persuade my ex little longer... but at some point i see myself as alot of loser which i cant stand myself alot...thinking about that day. Okay move forward.. i met someone who comforted my heart, which this time i learned how to really love someone 100 percent... which before this i lose the chance to love someone so dearly... but you know.., when you loved to much, it breaks you when you wont be longer can stand.. it always my choice to be the first person walk away. it real damned hard to walked away.. you know to mend my heart.. it takes 4 years to really forgot him.. you know what got me crazy.. i also try to go persuade him when he at Japan. He still contact me want to meet up and back together, but he just asshole..he got engaged..when i know it..two days before im going to Japan on November 2013. it really fucked me up back there.., i dint meet him there, so he can be certain and made his decision to married her. i'm Happy his finally married because i really hated him after that... so he made me move on about him alot of faster.

Okay back to the things the bucket list i did state previously, you know what make me changes me back there, what make me achieve the bigger dream are because of this bucket list... You know i made a list of after grad what i will be doing, i want to get laid in dreamer Job, found Some good career such chartered accountant, before settle down, i must go to travel achieve the dream i always dream such as scuba license, sky jump and many more things. You know what., what im currently doing is im on my way pursuing the chartered license of accountant for this few months, i never thought it would become reality. Many things that i achieved, i learned to get scuba driving license, which i let myself be 100% harmed., you know scuba diving license is fucking hard to learn when you just mess up you mind in the morning... everything was go damn. i never so proud to brag about my license diving because i never wanted to be this way. It was really a nightmare till today. I made a lot of mistake thing which suppose i cant do while in diving in the sea..maybe i just made a death wish right. But i still survive through the hardship to get pass the diving license exam in 3 days.., it really not enough..., first day i was just doing good, but on my second day.. my body and thought are who failed me behind. I also got serious injured, i loss my hearing about 2 weeks or more i things. i got myself treat with the skilled doctor. But the doctor just make warned you cant dive anymore longer. Till today from second day Raya aidilfitri last year.. i dint swim, wishing soon to try it next couples of days.

Today and at this Age to be my bigger decision i need to do... to overcome my biggest fear, to beat myself that becoming and born someone who are humble and down to earth. I still had my egoist and proud in me that i should vanish it. You know it okay to get beating down..till you kneel, it okay to be defensive mode and hide all about yourself, because when you get tired of this, you will become more fearless and brave because you got nothing left. Someone already beat you pride which you dint have any longer doing to keep it right. You know at the Age of 27..many of my friends did a lot of things which are i  unable to achieve, but whatsoever them doing right now, i so envious but really i wish them luck and may god bless all of you well.

At this kind of Age i learn some important lesson and experience which at the stage of adulthood, you realised what you can contribute to the society at this age, what you want to do..you realized a lot of emotion aren't necessary to serve when it come. What difference the adult and child in the raining..., adult are hiding themselves under the umbrella and the child are open widely his hand and play around with rain. You may see deep meaning of this. This kind of meaning was hard to translate only you deep soul can feel it connecting to you. Like a music muse... At this age, you are free to decide what you want to become, all monies, times, energy and all sort of thing are depend on you. But you must back to at first you're become before you lost control to go onto new path.

Life isn't always hard, what makes it hard it our self. According to the books i read, the choice and the decision, anxiety, fear are made us become hard to our self.. let it flow it ways. Be certain to yourself, confident as always but do not abuse the power you become to gain in the moment..because it will lose in turn of time. You know when you reached this kind of age you really need a lot of advice, not from the book but reality and person. You know what make me real happy everyday.. it not what you want to be happiness.. the want it a force... but let just natural be happy. i let myself collect a lot of quotes and some pictures to encourages to myself everyday. So it will motivate me every morning to become better me than yesterday i become.

Long times for not blogging.. some oldest post already been deleted.. it too embarrassing to thinking how foolish i am.Wish me luck for upcoming days...See you later folks.

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