Monday, April 17, 2017

At The Age..

Been through a lot of struggle here and there to make it something for sure happen, beat my anxiety, negative thinking, be myself more harder, and wishing more of to be death inside so i would let some thought pass me by.. but it still slip and let it though... Many things happen in years, what so i become now are far more different when i was younger.. i realize many things which i blind myself with my expectation.

When i was in University years~, i made some bucket list stage i need to obtained when i broken up with my ex Mr A .. which i thought i dint like him...but he managed through and got my heart, maybe here is the best place i should recite the things that never said... you know what..the reason behind i broke up our relationship it was because my childhood best friend (the crush) come to me. it my fault i things.. this things wont happen if i dont send the letter to him, so he wont find me...which at the time he relationship with my ex..are 6month ahead which the heart are still flattering...toward him (ex).. but i was such a fool back then..., i feel tired and exhausted of all sort of naging.. thinking im too young,thinking it might to be earlier to have someone hold onto your heart... i cant see the future im with him...which i become uncertain. the best friend is just shaken me for awhile...but i realised i made a big mistake when i said to him i want a break. im so bluntly said without thinking... you know what i dint choose to be my crush or AKA childhood best friend as my boyfriend. i try to persuade my ex little longer... but at some point i see myself as alot of loser which i cant stand myself alot...thinking about that day. Okay move forward.. i met someone who comforted my heart, which this time i learned how to really love someone 100 percent... which before this i lose the chance to love someone so dearly... but you know.., when you loved to much, it breaks you when you wont be longer can stand.. it always my choice to be the first person walk away. it real damned hard to walked away.. you know to mend my heart.. it takes 4 years to really forgot him.. you know what got me crazy.. i also try to go persuade him when he at Japan. He still contact me want to meet up and back together, but he just asshole..he got engaged..when i know it..two days before im going to Japan on November 2013. it really fucked me up back there.., i dint meet him there, so he can be certain and made his decision to married her. i'm Happy his finally married because i really hated him after that... so he made me move on about him alot of faster.

Okay back to the things the bucket list i did state previously, you know what make me changes me back there, what make me achieve the bigger dream are because of this bucket list... You know i made a list of after grad what i will be doing, i want to get laid in dreamer Job, found Some good career such chartered accountant, before settle down, i must go to travel achieve the dream i always dream such as scuba license, sky jump and many more things. You know what., what im currently doing is im on my way pursuing the chartered license of accountant for this few months, i never thought it would become reality. Many things that i achieved, i learned to get scuba driving license, which i let myself be 100% harmed., you know scuba diving license is fucking hard to learn when you just mess up you mind in the morning... everything was go damn. i never so proud to brag about my license diving because i never wanted to be this way. It was really a nightmare till today. I made a lot of mistake thing which suppose i cant do while in diving in the sea..maybe i just made a death wish right. But i still survive through the hardship to get pass the diving license exam in 3 days.., it really not enough..., first day i was just doing good, but on my second day.. my body and thought are who failed me behind. I also got serious injured, i loss my hearing about 2 weeks or more i things. i got myself treat with the skilled doctor. But the doctor just make warned you cant dive anymore longer. Till today from second day Raya aidilfitri last year.. i dint swim, wishing soon to try it next couples of days.

Today and at this Age to be my bigger decision i need to do... to overcome my biggest fear, to beat myself that becoming and born someone who are humble and down to earth. I still had my egoist and proud in me that i should vanish it. You know it okay to get beating down..till you kneel, it okay to be defensive mode and hide all about yourself, because when you get tired of this, you will become more fearless and brave because you got nothing left. Someone already beat you pride which you dint have any longer doing to keep it right. You know at the Age of 27..many of my friends did a lot of things which are i  unable to achieve, but whatsoever them doing right now, i so envious but really i wish them luck and may god bless all of you well.

At this kind of Age i learn some important lesson and experience which at the stage of adulthood, you realised what you can contribute to the society at this age, what you want to realized a lot of emotion aren't necessary to serve when it come. What difference the adult and child in the raining..., adult are hiding themselves under the umbrella and the child are open widely his hand and play around with rain. You may see deep meaning of this. This kind of meaning was hard to translate only you deep soul can feel it connecting to you. Like a music muse... At this age, you are free to decide what you want to become, all monies, times, energy and all sort of thing are depend on you. But you must back to at first you're become before you lost control to go onto new path.

Life isn't always hard, what makes it hard it our self. According to the books i read, the choice and the decision, anxiety, fear are made us become hard to our self.. let it flow it ways. Be certain to yourself, confident as always but do not abuse the power you become to gain in the moment..because it will lose in turn of time. You know when you reached this kind of age you really need a lot of advice, not from the book but reality and person. You know what make me real happy everyday.. it not what you want to be happiness.. the want it a force... but let just natural be happy. i let myself collect a lot of quotes and some pictures to encourages to myself everyday. So it will motivate me every morning to become better me than yesterday i become.

Long times for not blogging.. some oldest post already been deleted.. it too embarrassing to thinking how foolish i am.Wish me luck for upcoming days...See you later folks.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

This is how i met you- cliché part

I used to dream of to loved someone fully heart as possible, but somehow that something was broken inside me, seem all the things make me pushing them away, the insecurity and all sort of things make me realize i'm been picking to myself. At least for myself i need to be picky because it my life, for someone to make a part of my life at least should had to earn of my respect and fond me always. this is the real story how i met "you "- cliche part, why it is cliche because it really look like drama and tv shown but it happen to me, it actually really strange feeling, short and deepest and fun.

1. The wall
as you saw on this picture, is not both of hand in the air, he just put his hand on the wall and close to me. this is when im age 20 on my semester break,  i work at factory senai ~, there is guy work as technician there... for 2 months just casually know him, then sudden at place changing close to change astronaut costume when all my friends go inside the cooler room, left me alone with him, he sudden make move toward me. it surprise me,it make me nervous but it dint make any further move~~ he just playing dangerous game with me, but somehow it tingly inside.

2. Bus Station

Bus station it is good for someone to fall deeper love here, this is how i met the nice guy.. when i was waiting my bus from terengganu to johor at late night from 8pm to 11 pm, he actually sent his sister to kl or somehow, he saw me anxiety.. because i was really afraid alone at the bus station, so he was sit next to me, i was really afraid he come closer to me, yoh stranger alert...have too alert,.. then he father sit next to me, later took about 30 minutes he begun talk to me, introduce.. he said im was first sight love, it was funny to hear.,.. but i saw his eyes was sincere, his father also encourage him to get my number, yes he get my number... until i make the safe come home and re-comeback to terengganu he still try to pursue but for somehow i push him away not knowing him because just dont want to know.

3. The concert
there is concert at Johor, where the youth people where find some entertainment here, so this is how i met guy~~ it somehow protective, but it shouldn't be the best place ever to met someone.. yep socialize, it never been expected to had known someone here. for some reason i also turn down him, reasonable reason, then next day he flirt with one of my friend, hahahaha LOL.

4. Bicycle cycling
 this is was im still in school, form 4~ i dint remember how i know him, but satu kampung ler...somehow., when every-time i go anywhere when i met him, he always tease me like crazy, me and him also fall bike together and got a lot fight together... it was nice to had someone to fight...some oldest people saw me fight with him, smiling, but i bet he just need me to beat him over and over. then he best friend was really nice to me, then until my transfer to his school i known his and his bestie, he no longer approach me, as he bestie back up me alot,.. he always company me at art classess.. i just remember his bestie name was fendy.. i really wanna thanks his alot because always help me beat that guy...hahahah, im also sorry for always runaway when i met you... guys..hahahha

5. Mosque
okay before i feeding this bird, i go mosque around here at spice market at istanbul, where i been approach by police that guard the mosque there, it was really nice to meet him there, he older than me,.. he got a gut approach till got my facebook, 2 times ask to married me, but for some reason i also turn him down. but it really nice to met him.. he is handsome, yo orang putih yoooo

6.Racing Car
this is was blind date set up, he said to me he is cleaner guy~~ until the date he met me he bring me the racing car Mitsubishi Lancer GT Car, i was surprised and want to run away.. since i dint like things to fancy and somehow unreachable, he managed to drag me down to dating... you know what...when he driving speed up to maximum level, my heart beating like crazy.. i thought i was die, but i survive to fall in love with him... due for some reason... we're unable to getting to each other (mad in love), you know what, rich cant buy you anything dont be blind by it.

this is somehow the best moment i treasure, and there is alot of scene unable to describe. We may met stranger alot in lifes, it also give us a lesson what we want or dont want in our life, people also had the struggle.. dont punish them for the reason they might have, i remember.. there is one guy who really serious, he take the courage to sing a song at theater purposely for me...i was being mean to him after that... i supposed thank to him for his courage... it wasn't easy.

 So i said alot to my self... love people surround until there get sick enough of you.. then you can stop it. there is times fly when you unable to make up things be better but you can fixed it for the sake of yourself.


Sunday, April 5, 2015


It been so long...dint update
As working woman~, it take alot of my time...
Sometimes I also dont have time to spend on my self

Alhamdulilah, thankz to god... one of my wish to come to mecca the place i been so much adore while i was kid and able to come would such a good memories... and missed those plan eventhough I just come back not more than 2 weeks...really missed that place

Before i go tht place, we travel to istanbul... learn alot about alfateh n islam n saw alot of the "peninggalan" from zaman nabi, the hair of rasullah and the cloth of fatimah n all sort of things...

It was make me realize alot about islam...
How I was very jahil toward my religious...
As i amaze with islam..with the tokoh of al fateh

One sure,
Bef this im go japan with my broken heart n it mend away the broken part...
But this time it not just mend away...but it make heart beat accelrated and feel butterfly again...

Thankz to allah everythg when well...
Hope to hear a lot of good news in upcoming days...
Here i shown some picture that i taken... n love the place...what i love is the red ocean...the ocean wasnt red...but dark was fantastic and everything is awesome

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Travel abroad

hardcore traveller

Assalammualaikum~  good nite to all~~
it always been so long haven't update any post..
now finally got something to write on~ 
to travel abroad it not as easy as count 1,2,3..
but what i did is almost exactly the same...
as i simple and open.. got nothing was obstructed my ways~~

as i read some articles~~
the author always said~~
the best items in the world that young people should go
for it was experience... as the experience was more valuable than things

so i was made up my mind~~
atleast i want to spend my money to the experience that could last forever..
so im start searching the destinations i want to go~~ i like to go all places
and got no idea where should i start...

what i do~~ i recall those childhood memories~
that i got my first time dating with kazuya-san on my valentine day...(kazuya is japan exchange students)
then, i love alot the japan anime"bleach" has been crazy so many years~~
&  loved the Sakura flower super duper loving it~~
 then the heart wrenching stories when i broke up with someone who are work at Japan..
previous final year project cases studies for subject international business was also about Japan country~

Japan is the first destination i would start for to go travel..
it was the first country i will actually want to go solo travel
when i got so much correlation to the japan
but i dint get to go travel solo.. as a girl..
parent will be a bit hard to let me go solo...

then i gather up my colleagues to go with me~~
as all itinerary, all sort of that i fully planned and booked
all sort of things have been carefully taking care
 it just took me one weeks to decide the place and about 2 weeks
to bought the airplane ticket after done research
of the air-flight fare..

before im start buying the airplane ticket..
i already done the budget itinerary that include what sort of amount.. i need to spend on..
include those silly things...air fare also included
after bought the ticket flight~~ all those pre-itinerary will alter a bit such
the hardest things is to book hostel or guesthouse/ hotel..
for the budget person like me~~
along the way.... i bought the ticket to Nagoya japan..
n wanted to visit 3 district which is nagoya,kyoto and osaka for 8 days..
for 3 places i just spend around 13100 yen around of RM 390 something for total 7days...

it cheaper right...n the places of the hotel was actually very good and got
good rating from TripAdvisor and other backpacker traveller too~~
oooh forgot to told that... the places i wanted to visit i actually list down the top 10 most places need to visit
and compare to all websites,... before decide it as final paces to go...

hurm,... feel bit sleepy... as tomorrow ..
ok.. i stop right here... if u got anythg to know.. can pm me~.. :)

Friday, July 5, 2013

Nothing So Far

Seem so long din't update~
i'm already comeback to Johor after
3 years study at Terengganu..
now it my time to give my service to my hometown..

this 2 weeks holidays..
it really relief me from inside and outside
although my cousin pass away on Wednesday..
yup sad feel the losses, she still young just 26 years..

but what make me nerve and freak out..
when daylight i see the corpse..
then at night it will haunted me~~
it hurt my head and make me crazy...
i just cant even i'm seen brave but..inside there
i was shaken and about to fall apart~~
yes, i'm very terrifying...
it happen start when my uncle death...
so at that time even now..
i cant see the corpse even i'm insist to kiss on his/her forehead..

this 8 july my official date intern in Cs Tan Associate at johor bharu,
which near to my father office~~
i'm a bit nervous..,
to think gonna come home late...
driving car alone...
hahah...have a fantasy been workaholic...
huhu..fantasy think about the future i must hold on...hahah.. weirdo..:)

on this 2 weeks holiday...
there is something that bothering my mind.. ex keep bothering to comeback
and another person that i called a friend
start become weird...
asking to go holiday with the place he wanted to go with someone special
that was me...
i don't want to accept anyone..
those people cant make my heart butterflies
what i can said if they truly wanted me..
then make me Halal for them first..
then i will hold onto them till my last breath..
i don't want wasted my time n energy love them..
at the end im the one suffer..
i don't want to be that girl i used to cried a lot
over the thing that called "love"